Davey’s 50 rules of the internet

So, as a blogger, I spend a LOT of time on the internet, so here are my 50 rules I have developed from my time on here.

  1. Do not feed the trolls. The trolls ALWAYS win. By reacting to them, you feed them. Therefore, don’t react. Leave them well alone.
  2. Never blaspheme the holy trinity of Cats, Bacon and Pizza.
  3. When in an argument, someone will inevitably get compared to Hitler/The Nazis.
  4. The only kids on the internet are cops and paedophiles. If someone claims to be 13, chances are they are actually 43.
  5. The only hot women on the internet are fake. They’re either lonely gay men or people working for illicit porn sites.
  6. Speaking of which, if it exists, there is porn of it.
  7. If there isn’t porn of it, someone will make porn of it.
  8. Everyone downloads music, films, and porn. There’s no point trying to combat it.
  9. If you are going to illegally download media, be clever about it. Torrent sites through a Virtual Private Network (VPN) are a wise choice.
  10. Using the internet without Anti-Virus Software is like having sex without contraception- sooner or later, you’re going to regret it.
  11. If the character exists, someone will inevitably race-change or gender-change said character.
  12. When choosing an actor for a role in a film/TV show, David Tennant will ALWAYS be suggested. Even if the character is Lesbian Muslim of colour from Russia.
  13. Everyone hates the Kardashians, and by association, Kanye West. Unless you are a sheep, or a douchebag. Never be a douchebag.
  14. Everyone claims to be an atheist.
  15. Any websites with the word “truth” in the URL will have none in it.
  16. Anyone who claims that they’ve won an argument has most likely lost the argument.
  17. Any discussion about the environment will mention Al Gore, followed by trolling.
  18. Without making it clear that you are taking the mickey out of fundementalism, someone will assume you’re serious.
  19. Suffiiciently advanced trolling is indistinguishable from genuine stupidity.
  20. Check your sources of information! If you cite crappy websites in an argument, you will be vilified.
  21. Never mess with Anonymous. They are legion. They don’t forgive or forget you. Seriously, expect them.
  22. The worse website looks, the more likely it is that the website was made by someone who needs mental health help.
  23. The more CAPITAL LETTERS or exclamation marks in a post or email, the less likely it is to be true.
  24. You will never make a thousand dollars by reviewing advertisements or filling out surveys.
  25. If you are a woman, and you say something controversial, chances are, someone online will threaten you with sexual violence.
  26. When a post says something about feminism, there will be trolls validating the need for that post.
  27. On the other hand, don’t believe the female supremacists and third-wavers on Tumblr. It will drive you NUTS.
  28. There will always be people commenting with irrelevant comments such as “I got the first comment!”.
  29. Any discussion involving nuclear power will have at least one person making references to Chernobyl, Fukushima or Hiroshima.
  30. Anything fake which attracts a lot of attention will end up having some people vehemently defending it and claiming it to be real.
  31. Grammar Nazis (people who correct your grammar for kicks and to piss you off) are EVERYWHERE. Seriously.
  32. Someone in a discussion will have such a bad grasp of logic, grammar and facts to the point where it horrifies other participants.
  33. Anyone on YouTube who displays mastery at something will have a commenter claiming that the person has no life.
  34. Never claim to dislike the Tenth Doctor from Doctor Who.
  35. Any mention of politics triggers a debate.
  36. No act is so indefensible that you cannot find someone on the internet defending it. (I had a lot of both fun and disgust researching this one).
  37. Any unmoderated discussion will end up with people making strawman fallacies somewhere along the way.
  38. Whenever someone in a discussion seems particularly dumb, there will be someone claiming to be as clever as Sheldon Cooper.
  39. As the length of a post or thread containing images or GIFs lengthens, the probability of someone getting offended increases, as does the probability of them claiming “This is not 4chan!”. If the post/thread has no rules, it will degrade into porn eventually.
  40. Never spoil the latest series of a TV series or latest book from popular fiction if it’s less than a week old. You will get flamed.
  41. Everyone pretends to be a fan of The Hitch-Hiker’s Guide To The Galaxy, particularly around mid-May.
  42. When a question is asked, the answer is invariably 42.
  43. If someone is under 25, someone will call them a “youngster” or a N00B (noob, meaning that the person is new either to the topic or the internet in general).
  44. Any news article released on April 1st is to be treated with herculanean scepticism. It will most likely be an April Fool’s Day pranks. As the number of people posting these pranks increases, so does the number of retaliations. Due to timezones, any post on April 2nd is to be treated with the same amount of scepticism.
  45. “I’m not <blank> but…” Anyone using this as a disqualifier to start there argument is what the blank means. For example, “I’m not a <Donald Trump supporter> but I think the wall idea is a good one”.
  46. If in an argument, anyone accusing their opponent of living in their parents’ basement, the accuser loses.
  47. There is no such thing as a motherfucking swearword. If you ast**isk a word (like the one I have just done), you are being an idiot. Just fucking say it.
  48. The longer a post is, the more a person is angry.
  49. There is always going to be a “hit-and-run” poster, who makes a very valid/controversial point and then vanishes. Don’t try to trace them, you will fail.
  50. Conor McGregor, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Chuck Norris, Brock Lesnar or Batman can beat anyone in a comparison post. If you want to win in a post like this, side with one of these five.
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Can I have a rant? (This is the result of too much coffee)

Can I have a rant? Please? I’ve had less than two hours of sleep and over 15 cups of coffee today, and I’d just like a little natter on the subject of Brits abroad.

I did some work three years ago, shadowing travel reps in Sa Coma, Mallorca, in the Balearic Islands. Now I should explain that Sa Coma is on the east side of the Island, normally populated by Catalans and German tourists, until the summer season, where things get very, very British.

Now, as a rule, the Brits abroad don’t do my country any favours, per se, but in Sa Coma, I saw the very worst of us abroad. These are the people who spend the majority of their lives living off government handouts, displaying generally poor hygiene, drinking too much beer and refusing to try local culture. Some of Europe’s finest beer, lager, fish, and Tapas comes from Mallorca, but I challenge anyone to get it in Sa Coma. The Beer and Lagers are easy to come by, but Tapas and decent Hake, for which the island is famed, is nonexistent in the town. I’m not exaggerating for effect, literally no sign of Catalan culture can be spotted until Sundays, where the local Catholic church is packed and nothing outside of the hotels are open.

Instead, the strip is covered in mock- British pubs which had previously been local cafes and restaurants, selling tacky, low-quality food that’s guaran-fucking-teed to give you food poisoning. These cafes sell booze at rock-bottom prices, and if you drink liquor, the bartenders have no idea about standard drinking measures. There’s also no real ID checks by the bartenders, so under-age drinking is very, very easy. It’s ridiculous. The lights in the evening are strong enough to cause epileptic seizures, the dry ice is suffocating, and all you can see as decor is St. George’s Flags.

I fucking hate the Brits abroad.

Yours,

Davey

 

Notes on the big country- The USA Part One

So, for background-

I moved to Texas in the United States of America and lived there for 6 months in 2000. I was 10 years old at the time.

Can I let you in on something? Something I find absolutely hilarious?

The first time that our new neighbours came to visit, they drove. They genuinely got into their Chevy and drove the fifty metres to our house to say hello and welcome us to the neighbourhood. They were nice people, don’t get me wrong, but the fact that they burned up fossil fuels to travel a short walking distance made us realise that we were in not just another country, but in another world.

The people were nice, don’t get me wrong. Texans are the most welcoming people I have ever met. They never like to see somebody hungry, and they are very relaxed people who have a mañana attitude most of the time. They just happen to have massive portion sizes. I have since visited the USA and let me tell you, even when compared to other states (I’ve visited New York, Connecticut, Maryland, New Jersey, Florida and California), the portion sizes are huge. What we’d call a large burger in the UK is what Texans would define as small! Well, to be fair, for the most time, this is true. Austin however, seem to worry more about their arteries and general health. Plus, their attitude towards keeping fit is better than it is in most places that I’ve visited in the USA. I unfortunately, spent most of my time in Houston.

Please don’t misunderstand me here. Houston has a brilliant mixing pot of cultures, and if you’ve never been there, I highly recommend you take a trip. Their food is awesome (if not GIGANTIC), the people are lovely (albeit mainly conservative Christian), and it never seems to be cloudy over there, just very hot.

I digress… getting a little off-topic here.

The one thing people had to get used to over there was my walking to and from school. Now the school I went to over there was less than a mile’s walk away from where we resided, but the first day, second, and pretty much every day of the school “semester” (funny word for term) people offered me a lift to school.

By far the funniest experience we had over there in regards to cultural difference had to be going to a cinema. For legal reasons, I shan’t mention which one, as I fear the person involved may still work there, and she turned out all right in the end.

We’d gone to watch a film (I can’t remember which one, due to the sheer hilarity of this event), had popcorn and everything. It was just between Thanksgiving and Christmas, and it was about 25 degrees Celsius. The sun was shining, and the locals were wrapped up in coats and scarves. Overall, the day was a lovely one for anybody British in Houston.

On our way out of the Cinema (what was generally referred to as a Movie Theatre- I don’t know why when Houston ha got a theatre district that rivals Broadway), we cheerily waved at the person behind the ticket counter. Her eyes, normally small, went wide open. To this day, I have never seen somebody jump out of a booth as quickly as this twenty-something did. It was only eclipsed by the following exchange.

“Wow, don’t you have coats for those children, sir? It’s freezing cold outside! Oh, for god’s sake!” (She takes off her work fleece and wraps my little sister in it)

Before any of us could answer and explain that we came from England, and for us, this was a heatwave, she carried on.

“You ought to be ashamed of yourselves! You have come to the movies in the middle of winter and not one of you is wearing a coat! Well, it’s all right for you (gesturing at my father, who was a big man, even by Houston’s standards), but what about the children! The tall one on the crutches (I have Cerebral Palsy, and needed to use crutches for most of my childhood) is so skinny! How on earth is he supposed to keep warm in shorts and T-shirts! Right, that’s it! I’m getting the manager!”

Reflecting on this, it has to be said that the woman had her heart in the right place, and we were grateful that she didn’t call the police, but it was still a stupidly over-the-top reaction for us Brits.

My father, who wasn’t exactly the master of diplomacy, held his hands up to get her attention, and politely explained about our nationality and the heat. For me, it was sweltering hot anyway. The woman, as soon as she’d heard our accents, became incredibly apologetic, and we became good friends for the rest of our stay. I still laugh about it, even today.

This is the end of part one, of which there will be several parts published in the oncoming weeks. I hope you found this as funny as we did.