Davey’s 50 rules of the internet

So, as a blogger, I spend a LOT of time on the internet, so here are my 50 rules I have developed from my time on here.

  1. Do not feed the trolls. The trolls ALWAYS win. By reacting to them, you feed them. Therefore, don’t react. Leave them well alone.
  2. Never blaspheme the holy trinity of Cats, Bacon and Pizza.
  3. When in an argument, someone will inevitably get compared to Hitler/The Nazis.
  4. The only kids on the internet are cops and paedophiles. If someone claims to be 13, chances are they are actually 43.
  5. The only hot women on the internet are fake. They’re either lonely gay men or people working for illicit porn sites.
  6. Speaking of which, if it exists, there is porn of it.
  7. If there isn’t porn of it, someone will make porn of it.
  8. Everyone downloads music, films, and porn. There’s no point trying to combat it.
  9. If you are going to illegally download media, be clever about it. Torrent sites through a Virtual Private Network (VPN) are a wise choice.
  10. Using the internet without Anti-Virus Software is like having sex without contraception- sooner or later, you’re going to regret it.
  11. If the character exists, someone will inevitably race-change or gender-change said character.
  12. When choosing an actor for a role in a film/TV show, David Tennant will ALWAYS be suggested. Even if the character is Lesbian Muslim of colour from Russia.
  13. Everyone hates the Kardashians, and by association, Kanye West. Unless you are a sheep, or a douchebag. Never be a douchebag.
  14. Everyone claims to be an atheist.
  15. Any websites with the word “truth” in the URL will have none in it.
  16. Anyone who claims that they’ve won an argument has most likely lost the argument.
  17. Any discussion about the environment will mention Al Gore, followed by trolling.
  18. Without making it clear that you are taking the mickey out of fundementalism, someone will assume you’re serious.
  19. Suffiiciently advanced trolling is indistinguishable from genuine stupidity.
  20. Check your sources of information! If you cite crappy websites in an argument, you will be vilified.
  21. Never mess with Anonymous. They are legion. They don’t forgive or forget you. Seriously, expect them.
  22. The worse website looks, the more likely it is that the website was made by someone who needs mental health help.
  23. The more CAPITAL LETTERS or exclamation marks in a post or email, the less likely it is to be true.
  24. You will never make a thousand dollars by reviewing advertisements or filling out surveys.
  25. If you are a woman, and you say something controversial, chances are, someone online will threaten you with sexual violence.
  26. When a post says something about feminism, there will be trolls validating the need for that post.
  27. On the other hand, don’t believe the female supremacists and third-wavers on Tumblr. It will drive you NUTS.
  28. There will always be people commenting with irrelevant comments such as “I got the first comment!”.
  29. Any discussion involving nuclear power will have at least one person making references to Chernobyl, Fukushima or Hiroshima.
  30. Anything fake which attracts a lot of attention will end up having some people vehemently defending it and claiming it to be real.
  31. Grammar Nazis (people who correct your grammar for kicks and to piss you off) are EVERYWHERE. Seriously.
  32. Someone in a discussion will have such a bad grasp of logic, grammar and facts to the point where it horrifies other participants.
  33. Anyone on YouTube who displays mastery at something will have a commenter claiming that the person has no life.
  34. Never claim to dislike the Tenth Doctor from Doctor Who.
  35. Any mention of politics triggers a debate.
  36. No act is so indefensible that you cannot find someone on the internet defending it. (I had a lot of both fun and disgust researching this one).
  37. Any unmoderated discussion will end up with people making strawman fallacies somewhere along the way.
  38. Whenever someone in a discussion seems particularly dumb, there will be someone claiming to be as clever as Sheldon Cooper.
  39. As the length of a post or thread containing images or GIFs lengthens, the probability of someone getting offended increases, as does the probability of them claiming “This is not 4chan!”. If the post/thread has no rules, it will degrade into porn eventually.
  40. Never spoil the latest series of a TV series or latest book from popular fiction if it’s less than a week old. You will get flamed.
  41. Everyone pretends to be a fan of The Hitch-Hiker’s Guide To The Galaxy, particularly around mid-May.
  42. When a question is asked, the answer is invariably 42.
  43. If someone is under 25, someone will call them a “youngster” or a N00B (noob, meaning that the person is new either to the topic or the internet in general).
  44. Any news article released on April 1st is to be treated with herculanean scepticism. It will most likely be an April Fool’s Day pranks. As the number of people posting these pranks increases, so does the number of retaliations. Due to timezones, any post on April 2nd is to be treated with the same amount of scepticism.
  45. “I’m not <blank> but…” Anyone using this as a disqualifier to start there argument is what the blank means. For example, “I’m not a <Donald Trump supporter> but I think the wall idea is a good one”.
  46. If in an argument, anyone accusing their opponent of living in their parents’ basement, the accuser loses.
  47. There is no such thing as a motherfucking swearword. If you ast**isk a word (like the one I have just done), you are being an idiot. Just fucking say it.
  48. The longer a post is, the more a person is angry.
  49. There is always going to be a “hit-and-run” poster, who makes a very valid/controversial point and then vanishes. Don’t try to trace them, you will fail.
  50. Conor McGregor, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Chuck Norris, Brock Lesnar or Batman can beat anyone in a comparison post. If you want to win in a post like this, side with one of these five.
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