Davey’s 50 rules of the internet

So, as a blogger, I spend a LOT of time on the internet, so here are my 50 rules I have developed from my time on here.

  1. Do not feed the trolls. The trolls ALWAYS win. By reacting to them, you feed them. Therefore, don’t react. Leave them well alone.
  2. Never blaspheme the holy trinity of Cats, Bacon and Pizza.
  3. When in an argument, someone will inevitably get compared to Hitler/The Nazis.
  4. The only kids on the internet are cops and paedophiles. If someone claims to be 13, chances are they are actually 43.
  5. The only hot women on the internet are fake. They’re either lonely gay men or people working for illicit porn sites.
  6. Speaking of which, if it exists, there is porn of it.
  7. If there isn’t porn of it, someone will make porn of it.
  8. Everyone downloads music, films, and porn. There’s no point trying to combat it.
  9. If you are going to illegally download media, be clever about it. Torrent sites through a Virtual Private Network (VPN) are a wise choice.
  10. Using the internet without Anti-Virus Software is like having sex without contraception- sooner or later, you’re going to regret it.
  11. If the character exists, someone will inevitably race-change or gender-change said character.
  12. When choosing an actor for a role in a film/TV show, David Tennant will ALWAYS be suggested. Even if the character is Lesbian Muslim of colour from Russia.
  13. Everyone hates the Kardashians, and by association, Kanye West. Unless you are a sheep, or a douchebag. Never be a douchebag.
  14. Everyone claims to be an atheist.
  15. Any websites with the word “truth” in the URL will have none in it.
  16. Anyone who claims that they’ve won an argument has most likely lost the argument.
  17. Any discussion about the environment will mention Al Gore, followed by trolling.
  18. Without making it clear that you are taking the mickey out of fundementalism, someone will assume you’re serious.
  19. Suffiiciently advanced trolling is indistinguishable from genuine stupidity.
  20. Check your sources of information! If you cite crappy websites in an argument, you will be vilified.
  21. Never mess with Anonymous. They are legion. They don’t forgive or forget you. Seriously, expect them.
  22. The worse website looks, the more likely it is that the website was made by someone who needs mental health help.
  23. The more CAPITAL LETTERS or exclamation marks in a post or email, the less likely it is to be true.
  24. You will never make a thousand dollars by reviewing advertisements or filling out surveys.
  25. If you are a woman, and you say something controversial, chances are, someone online will threaten you with sexual violence.
  26. When a post says something about feminism, there will be trolls validating the need for that post.
  27. On the other hand, don’t believe the female supremacists and third-wavers on Tumblr. It will drive you NUTS.
  28. There will always be people commenting with irrelevant comments such as “I got the first comment!”.
  29. Any discussion involving nuclear power will have at least one person making references to Chernobyl, Fukushima or Hiroshima.
  30. Anything fake which attracts a lot of attention will end up having some people vehemently defending it and claiming it to be real.
  31. Grammar Nazis (people who correct your grammar for kicks and to piss you off) are EVERYWHERE. Seriously.
  32. Someone in a discussion will have such a bad grasp of logic, grammar and facts to the point where it horrifies other participants.
  33. Anyone on YouTube who displays mastery at something will have a commenter claiming that the person has no life.
  34. Never claim to dislike the Tenth Doctor from Doctor Who.
  35. Any mention of politics triggers a debate.
  36. No act is so indefensible that you cannot find someone on the internet defending it. (I had a lot of both fun and disgust researching this one).
  37. Any unmoderated discussion will end up with people making strawman fallacies somewhere along the way.
  38. Whenever someone in a discussion seems particularly dumb, there will be someone claiming to be as clever as Sheldon Cooper.
  39. As the length of a post or thread containing images or GIFs lengthens, the probability of someone getting offended increases, as does the probability of them claiming “This is not 4chan!”. If the post/thread has no rules, it will degrade into porn eventually.
  40. Never spoil the latest series of a TV series or latest book from popular fiction if it’s less than a week old. You will get flamed.
  41. Everyone pretends to be a fan of The Hitch-Hiker’s Guide To The Galaxy, particularly around mid-May.
  42. When a question is asked, the answer is invariably 42.
  43. If someone is under 25, someone will call them a “youngster” or a N00B (noob, meaning that the person is new either to the topic or the internet in general).
  44. Any news article released on April 1st is to be treated with herculanean scepticism. It will most likely be an April Fool’s Day pranks. As the number of people posting these pranks increases, so does the number of retaliations. Due to timezones, any post on April 2nd is to be treated with the same amount of scepticism.
  45. “I’m not <blank> but…” Anyone using this as a disqualifier to start there argument is what the blank means. For example, “I’m not a <Donald Trump supporter> but I think the wall idea is a good one”.
  46. If in an argument, anyone accusing their opponent of living in their parents’ basement, the accuser loses.
  47. There is no such thing as a motherfucking swearword. If you ast**isk a word (like the one I have just done), you are being an idiot. Just fucking say it.
  48. The longer a post is, the more a person is angry.
  49. There is always going to be a “hit-and-run” poster, who makes a very valid/controversial point and then vanishes. Don’t try to trace them, you will fail.
  50. Conor McGregor, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Chuck Norris, Brock Lesnar or Batman can beat anyone in a comparison post. If you want to win in a post like this, side with one of these five.

A letter of love from a millenial

Firstly, I despise the word “millenial”. It makes me cringe, and rightly so. We are by far the worst off generation since the post-war boomers and the amount of shit we get stemming from our modern values and growing up with technology is monumental. If you’re unsure what a millenial is, here’s my definition.

A millenial is someone born between the late 1980s and 2000, and has grown up with all of the technological benefits everyone enjoys today. We had Tony Blair’s generous social welfare schemes keeping us safe and fed, and were raised with the message of hope through a neo-conservative rendition of The American Dream.

We’re stereotyped as entitled little sods with more privilege and opportunities than we deserve, but in reality the opposite is true. My generation have the worst job prospects in a lifetime, we continuously face discrimination due to our age, and some of us have a smaller minimum wage than people less than two years older than ourselves. It’s a scandal, frankly, and I’ve remained quiet as I took a break from my regular posts in order to regain some mental sanity.

The reason this post is being written is because of a trending hashtag on multiple social media sites called #HowToConfuseAMillenial. Most of this was gentle ribbing and light-hearted humour, for example a picture of a map with the caption “Get a millenial to use an old-fashioned GPS”. This, I have to admit, made me chuckle, and similar posts ensued. However, due to the nature of both the internet and humanity, the posts got much darker very very quickly, and one of the most offensive posts I had the misfortune to read was a picture of soldiers about to land on the Normandy beaches on D-Day (6th of June 1944) with the caption reading “#HowToConfuseAMillenial Inform Them that they’re free today because of the exertions of better men than themselves”. (@PoliticalShort, for anyone who uses Twitter).

Let’s unpack that for a moment. My generation are primarily pacifists. We’re not soldiers, but we aim to make the world a better place by fixing the problems we were born into and we exhibit less prejudice than any generation beforehand. WWE’s sense of humour during their “Attitude Era” between 1991-2002 when wrestling was still aimed at adults only is living proof of this. I know I speak about the world of wrestling a lot, but bear with me here. The jokes used then on their shows seem tasteless and wrong to my generation. Samoans pretending to be Japanese Sumos is perceived to be not “harmless fun” as some older people would see it, but as horrifically racist. A joke made about prison rape made during an on-air skit during SummerSlam 1991 whilst being funny then, is horrendous to people my age, and frankly, it’s a damned scandal that the stupid pink butterfly in WWE meant to be a Women’s belt but called “the DIVAs Championship” was only replaced recently to create the proper women’s division WWE fans are currently enjoying.

The reason for that wrestling themed paragraph was to demonstrate how progressive my generation is in social attitudes. Racism, Sexism, LGBTQ phobia and any other form of bigotry is slowly being shunned out by my generation, which for me is a symbol of hope, of humanity starting to realise without being a bunch of hippies, that we’re all really one people: The Human Race.

Fortunately, not long after the hashtag trend kicked off, a lot of people in my generation made a swift and just as cutting reply and comeback and I think the best one I spotted was this: “remove all privileges from young people, replace jobs with unpaid internships, tell them to buy a house. #HowToConfuseAMillenial” This tweet pretty much shows my resentment to the whole sorry mess. I mean, our generation is the generation that time and time again is promised everything but delivered nothing. We were silenced by the powers in this world, yet we’re the backbone of western economies, often working long and unsociable hours for shit pay, just to make sure older people can go and get their goddamned Starbucks and woe betide us if we get their names wrong when we have to write their name on a hot travel cup with a sharpie.

So this is my heartfelt plea to the older generations: Stop discriminating against us. We work for you, but we won’t take much more shite from you all. And don’t start a Twitter war with us, not only will we win, we won’t use bigoted jokes along the way.



A breakdown of Trailers for DC TV

I’ve only seen the trailers for The Flash, Legends Of Tomorrow and Arrow, so when the Supergirl one drops onto the mass hubbub that is the internet, I’ll be doing that one on its’ own. For now, here’s my initial breakdown of the trailers (they’re all on YouTube now).

As a result of season 2’s finale of The Flash, we’ve now entered the DCTV universe’s Flashpoint Paradox universe. Barry Allen has indeed saved his mother from being killed by Reverse Flash, Eobard Thawne. This has effectively retconned the last two series, and getting people scratching their heads. “If the last two series got retconned, how come Barry has the speedforce?” In the comics, Barry’s powers are created by the Speedforce and in the same manner, the Speedforce only exists because of Barry. That’s how. Barry’s new world means none of his friends know him properly- Cisco is now a Mark Zuckerberg/ Harrison Wells hybrid who now owns STAR Labs (now called Ramon Industries) but it’s apparent Reverse Flash (who was caught in the time loop at the end of Season 2) is aware of the paradox, and so is Henry Allen. Iris and Barry look close, too. Wally West is Central City’s Flash, and there’s an as yet unnamed speedster, and there’s a very nice tease to Jay Garrick.

Season 5 of Arrow looks to take the series in a much darker tone, reminiscent of the first two series. Now Damien Darhk is dead, Arrow seems to have inspired some new recruits to Team Arrow that seem less occupied by the “no killing” role, which pushes Felicity away. Sorry, any Olicity fans. Mister Terrific looks amazing, and Thea looks to be taking much more of a back seat. No clue as to the big bad yet, but after last season, that might be more of a blessing than a curse. Finally, the flashbacks are taking us to Russia, and we’ll finally know what happened with the Bratva. Exciting times.

Legends of Tomorrow looks a lot better than it’s maiden season, with the show not being solely focused on Vandal Savage and the Time Agency. Now with the Time Agency gone, Time is left at the mercy of pirates, allowing for some major alternate-timeline headfuckery, but it looks like the White Canary will be the standout performance again. If I have a problem with anything in this series, it’s Arthur Darvill’s wooden acting and frankly piss-poor interpretation of Rip Hunter, and whilst he appears to have a lot to do this season, I reckon he’s going to have a smaller part.

Star Wars: The Phantom Racist Prequel

I have a confession to make. When Star Wars: The Phantom Menace, was released, I loved it. I loved the film, the easy going plot (I was only like 6 years old), the movie score was AMAZING and I didn’t see any problems with it. 
Upon re-watching it as an adult today, there are several key issues.

Firstly, the racism. The film is awash in racially offensive stereotypes, such as the money-hungry slave owner Watto, who’s cultural identity seems to be Jewish. Jar Jar Binks (and I‘ll return to him later on in this post) is a shamefully offensive Jamaican stereotype who genuinely made me spit out my breakfast cereal.t If you’re going to combat this point with Lucas’ piss-poor defence of the character’s colour, then how did JJB manage to speak with ebonics? (For non-linguists, that’s a style of speech native to and stereotypical of Jamaicans). The two Federation ambassadors who have japanese-style slanted eyes whilst trying to turn the Federation into an Empire. If you can’t spot the stereotyping here, I’m a little disheartened. All of the Star Wars saga has been about the individual against the state (I can’t remember who wrote it, but check out The Empire Writes Back, an essay on this), but the fact that the bad evil guys are aliens who speak English with a Japanese accent should be proof enough. If not,n may the force of unintentional racism be with you. I’m not suggesting that Lucas (who usually has a good track record for avoiding racial undertones in his films) went out to make a deliberately racist film, merely that when the producers got around to voicing the animated characters, they penny-pinched and fell to racial stereotypes in the process.

Next up, the plot. The plot is frankly ludicrous, even for a science fiction film set a long long time ago in a galaxy far far away. Yes, it’s fun to see young Anakin Skywalker display mild Jedi-like powers through podracing (which they clearly stole from the racing game series WipeOut), and it’s fun to see a young Jabba The Hutt, but the canon of the main films gets fucked up so much by this film. I get you need to show an origin for the force in order to introduce younger fans, but what happened to the books’ definition that the Force is omnipresent and eternal? I know it doesn’t answer the big question as to the origin of the Force, but it’s a better way of dealing with it.

Thirdly, when you create a badass character like Qui-Gonn Jinn, why the hell do you kill him off within the first film? Logically, it makes no sense, and the only thing is creates the awfully awkward dynamic between Ewan McGregor and Hayden Christiensen in the second film. Plus you’ve cast LIAM NEESON as this character. The man raised by wolves, who trained Batman and the man who’s daughter you definitely don’t want to kidnap.

I could go on, but I think you get my point. There’s a reason I refer to this film as The Phantom Prequel.