Let’s talk about Cultural Appropriation (working title was “Come at me, 3rd wavers”)

Considering the controversial comments Lena Dunham has made recently, I think it’s time I took my stand. For too long, I’ve been taking comments about cultural appropriation simply because I like foreign food (particularly food from China, Japan and south-east Asia). Let’s explore that statement for a minute.

First and foremost, what the actual hell is “cultural appropriation”? According to http:www.racerelations.about.com/, Cultural Appropriation is “The most simple definition of cultural appropriation is that it occurs when members of a dominant culture borrow from the cultures of minority groups without their input”. This means when I use anything from another culture, even in the way that the original culture uses it in respect, I am guilty and therefore racist.

I am NOT racist. Not in the slightest. I’m not going to use the “I have friends of colour” argument because frankly, that smacks of 19th Century British Imperialism and I despise the argument anyway. So let me put this simply for you. I have the same point of view as Fred Rogers. For me, there is no difference between man, woman, gay, straight, Jew, Gentile, White or people of colour. We all bleed the same blood, drink the same water, and frankly, it’s a damn shame we don’t see more people of colour in British media (be that TV, Radio or otherwise).

I use a Japanese nod when paying respect, whether meeting new people, attending a memorial service or simply meeting with my friends. It’s used in the traditional Japanese way, with a slight bow and a nod to the head (think Jeremy Corbyn on Remembrance Sunday last year). I speak fluent Japanese, love their culture (well, apart from the inherent racism in some aspects) and eat a lot of their food, which inevitably puts money into their economy.

I eat a lot of Chinese food, too. Fu Jung and Pak Choi are some of my favourite foods, their products are worldwide, and if you don’t believe me on this one, I have a challenge. Look around your house and find something not made in China. According to Lena’s argument, this makes us all a bunch of racists.

Here’s my counter-argument. Calling us racists only serves to divide our world up even more and create even more disparity between international relations. Sure, blackface and yellowface are wrong, by anyone’s standards, but using a blues rhythm behind a piece of music would determine every modern pop song racist. In fact, nearly every aspect of western society has some cultural appropriation. Should we have to stick to the foods from the countries of our birth? In that case, I am royally screwed, as a) I don’t actually know where I was born and b) Britain’s food, whilst inventive at times, is quite bland to my tastebuds.

More to the point, looking at the world of business and economy, CA is everywhere. The top three businesses in the USA are Japanese, Samsung are one of the biggest companies in the world, and British companies do just as well abroad. Take Coca Cola for example, who’s head offices are in the USA. I challenge you to go somewhere where Coca Cola (replace with Pepsi or McDonald’s, it doesn’t make a shite of difference) isn’t.

So eat your sushi, enjoy your McDonald’s, celebrate different cultures and embrace the diversity of cultures on our tiny little planet respectfully. Tell all the third-wavers on Tumblr and left-wing media to fuck off, you’re not being racist.

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On Boris Johnson’s appointment as Foreign Secretary, and his misogyny

My last post on politics profiled the two people most likely to succeed noted pig-fucker and general arsehole, David Cameron, as Prime Minister of Great Britain. I got it right, Theresa May is now the second female prime minister in history. She’s made her first appointment, albeit a very tone-deaf one. She’s announced the leader of the Brexit campaign, Boris Johnson, as foreign secretary.

Oh Dear. Oh dear, oh dear (not to quote the Chuckle Brothers).

Boris johnson was the one guy you wouldn’t want in this role. Particularly when you consider the fact that we have a “special” relationship with the USA, and BoJo has gone on record, calling Barack Obama “part-Kenyan” and a “downright liar”. For such a gifted author, you would have thought BoJo would have picked up Obama’s autobiography (I have, and it’s a tremendous read).

This isn’t BoJo’s only gaffe, though. BoJo led a campaign of vitriolic lies that convinced the lower classes to vote with their feet, and we’ve fucked up our best chance of having a loud voice in the dinner party that is the world stage. He’s been doing it for years though, as he got sacked from The Times for fabricating stories at Brussels, he’s not been loyal to his own party (I always thought he was a bit socialist for a tory). He’s flirted with joining what became new Labour, as nearly joined the Social Democrat Party (SDP).

But there are more reasons: Johnson is a mysogynistic idiot. A buffoon, pretending to be a smart guy and an idiot simultaneously. He said in 2013 that the “only reason women go to university is to marry”. Let’s unpack that. There are many reasons women go to university, not least because it’ll give them a better chance on the job market and help break the glass ceiling that stands between the sexes in this country. It allows them to get better jobs, better careers and stand better in our society. What seems to be underneath this statement is an inherent misogyny, and one that has to be rooted out.

He’s blamed women for the rise of housing prices whilst guest-editing The Spectator:

‘The collossal expansion in the numbers of female graduates is in many ways a marvellous thing; but it has boosted the well-documented process of assortative mating, by which middle-class graduates marry middle-class graduates and thereby entrench their economic advantages, pooling their graduate incomes to push up house prices and increase the barriers to entry for the rest’

He’s said this, seriously: ‘Voting Tory will cause your wife to have bigger breasts and increase your chances of owning a BMW M3′. I’d like to check this diatribical soundbite out. There’s the obvious political sway, but that’s his job. Ultimately, he wants you to vote for the Conservative Party. There’s the obvious snootyness of it, basically saying that your partner’s breast areas aren’t pleasing you enough. Well, I don’t know about your lady, Mr. Johnson, but my lady is fine just the way she is. Finally, there’s the idea that to be a good man in his eyes, you must own a BMW M3. Now, as someone who has worked on crash sites on a motorway, I have this to say. Some M3 drivers I have seen drive like their 17, and yet they’re in their mid-fourties. With a gas-guzzling, high-powered saloon car, wearing sunglasses and a bluetooth headset. Simply put, some M3 drivers are pillocks I’d rather not be associated with.

He’s ranted before to The Daily Mirror and said this: “We seek cities because there are a greater range of girls at the bar, of reproductive choice. But above all, talented people seek cities for fame. They can’t get famous in the fucking villages”. Let’s analyse and explore that one. As a village boy in a small city in the North West, I agree with BoJo on the fact that there are a larger amount of women in a city. There are also a larger amount of supermarkets, schools, industry, amenities and transport links. The economy is both larger and stronger than a village, and this is just an abhorrent thing to say, especially to journalists, who will crucify you in worded format. And as for the fame bit, clearly someone’s never heard of Ed Sheeran, who hails from Hebden Bridge, in Yorkshire.

Simply put, BoJo should not be allowed anywhere near power. I rest my case.

 

Your illness is NOT your fault.

So, as frequent readers know about this already, to you I apologise. For new readers, I have a mild form of Cerebral Palsy and a moderate to severe form of Asperger’s Syndrome, which sits on the umbrella scale of Autistic Spectrum Disorders (ASD).

The reason I bring this up is that over the course of this week, my muscles surrounding my lower ribcage spasmed whilst I slept, leaving me quite weak and less mobile as a result. What I’ve found from this is that people always feel the need to offer you advice when this sort of thing happens. Seriously people are all like: “Well, if you ate less dairy/protein/gluten/meat, this sort of thing wouldnt happen”.

Let’s unpack that paraphrase. Firstly, I eat a perfectly healthy diet thank you very much. Plenty of protein, lots of dairy, lots of carbohydrates, fibre and Vitamin C. Secondly, there’s an implication that my illness, which is both serious and lifelong, is inherently my fault. Simply put: It isn’t and hasn’t been my fault. You cannot be the reason why something like this happens to you, save for you doing something incredibly stupid.

I don’t buy into the healthy food fad diets either: They’re good if you want to lose weight, don’t get me wrong, and I have a lot of friends who’ve lost considerable amounts of weight in short spaces of time using things like “weight watchers” and “slimming world” diets. Bully for them, but when a 6-feet-tall bloke who weighs just over 9 stones is having issues with his muscles not getting the right amount of nutrients, food and dietary issues may not be the problem here.

More to the point- I get that you’re just being sympathetic and trying to help, but this really doesn’t help. Offering to do something normal that I might find a bit tricky at the time helps. Listening to how I feel about what’s happened to me helps. Telling me that I’m living my life the wrong way doesn’t.

Rant over, normal service will resume tomorrow.

In defence of…. Matt Smith’s Doctor in Doctor Who

Just to be clear, this is in response to several articles on Outpost Gallifrey, DoctorwhoTV etc. They’re fan websites that give amazing insight into the lore, mythology and running of my favourite Science Fiction show ever made, BBC’s Doctor Who. If you don’t like the show, this is my warning: Move on to another blog post, there is nothing to read here. If however, you do like the show and/or are familiar with the premise, particularly with the main character, proceed.

Matt Smith’s Doctor for me is a bit like Marmite. I either love him or hate him, but that isn’t down to the actor, merely the writing. To give you an idea, compare Dinosaurs in Space (to those ignored my warning and are now thinking “what the fuck?!”, I did warn you) to Cold War. Both have spectacular acting, with different Game Of Thrones actors in either episode, but one is the biggest amount of excrement for the show since Love And Monsters and one is one of the best classic-villain-returning episodes ever made.

The best way in which I can explain Matt Smith’s Doctor to people is that the actor is capable of being utterly terrifying and amazingly funny within the same scene. In one episode, I can’t remember the specific one, but I think it’s in season 6, The Doctor goes from being playful and energetic to being cold-blooded and pertifying, coldly stating that he’s the last of his kind and that you shouldn’t “play games with him”. The implication here is that the Doctor, Last of The Timelords, Destroyer of Worlds and The Oncoming Storm, will destroy you if you do. This is Matt’s Doctor.

He’s an old man trapped in a young guy’s body in many ways. He’s capable of being ridiculous (think Amy and Rory’s Wedding with the dancing scene), stupidly cold (allowing Rory to blowing legions of cybermen, something David Tennant’s Doctor would never do such a thing), extremely loving (not wanting to address River Song on Trenzalore because it would hurt her) and rage-filled (Captain Runaway, inserted at the end). His was the Doctor at the wordiest (Capaldi’s Doctor still has time), complete with magnificent speeches, such as the ones featured in The Pandorica Opens and The Rings of Akhaten.

I f**king love Matt Smith’s Doctor, as for me, it was return to the original form after David Tennant’s embarrasingly human doctor (please don’t hurt me, fangirls!). Tennant’s Doctor was human to the point where the writing had to rely on inhuman feats to prove his alien-ness. Matt’s Doctor was eerie, weird and somewhat disconnected from human society (think about how he meets Rory with that wedding cake in season 5).

Matt’s Doctor is undoubtedly one of the best doctors we have seen, and if he does come back, we will love him all the same. I’ll always remember when The Doctor was him.

I’d like to dedicate this post to miss Jessica Chaplin, as Matt Smith’s Doctor is her absolute favourite Doctor.

Top 10 places I have seen/been to, 10 to 6.

So, in a break from my usual style, here’s a listicle.

5 down to one is to follow tomorrow, as I put a word limit on these posts.

10. Ville-de-la-Sablette, Var, France.

Less than three miles’ walk away from Toulon in France, Sablette is one of those little places you see on postcards. There’s not that much there, apart from everything that you need for a day visit (hole in the wall, restaurants, a hotel, Ice-cream parlour and one amazing beach), and it remains to this day one of those french rarities on the southern coast: A small french village perfect for visiting yet unspoilt by european tourism. It’s seriously worth a visit. You can go and try some of the local delicacies (good beef, escargots and mushrooms in garlic), let it settle, then go straight across the road, on to the beach and go swimming in the warm waters of the Mediterranean sea. C’est Superb!

9. Filey, Northern Yorkshire, England, The UK.

Like the previous entry, Filey is another little place where the tourism hasn’t really damaged it (well, this is at least true for the historic front of the town). Spectacular views and a superb cobbled landing combined with some of the best fish-and-chips available to buy in the UK. The people are nice, and providing you check the tide times first, the spit of land which protects the beach from longshore drift called the Brigg is really worth walking over. It’s great for fishing, crabbing, and the weather there is nigh-on always nice, as the majority of the bad weather is shielded away by the Yorkshire Wolds.

8. York, Northern Yorkshire, England, The UK.

I may be slightly biased here, as I grew up not far from the town, but I absolutely adore York. You can ignore the fact that it’s always busy and is really very expensive, when you look at all the culture that is available to go and sample. From visiting some of the more well-known attractions (The York Dungeon, The Minster, The City Walls) to finding yourself in one of the local drinking spots (of which there are over 700 without exaggeration), you’re guaranteed a pleasant visit when you go. Make sure you visit my old local haunt whilst you visit: The Evil Eye cafe. York’s got a massive subculture of goths and metalheads, and they can be spotted here in their native habitat. As well as medieval reenactment groups, furries and cosplayers. It has wi-fi, the furniture is simply unique (in a good way) and the hot chocolates there are simply to die for.

7. Scarborough, Northern Yorkshire, England, The UK.

Eagle eyed readers may notice Yorkshire appear on this list numerous times and there are two reasons for this. I grew up in yorkshire, and it has some of the nicest places I have ever had the privelege to visit. Scarborough is no exception to this. It has some of the best scenery in the world, quite frankly. Peasholme Park has one of the nicest walks around imaginable, and is really reminiscent of what it must have been like during the victorian era. Complete with rowing boats, old-fashioned rides for children and one breathtaking open air theatre (which I used to work at), if you see nothing else in Scarborough (the “uh” sound we’d use in RP is silent to the locals, so it’s pronounced “sc-ahh-bruh”), make sure you visit Peasholme Park. Cayton bay isn’t far if you fancy seeing the surfing championships, the sea-life centre is there and whilst you’re in Scarborough, there are a couple of touristy-type things I’d recommend. Get a selfie next to the TARDIS in South Bay, as you can nearly always spot a Doctor Who fan in costume there doing it. Go and have one of the ice-creams in the 50’s style Ice-cream parlour. They’re suprisingly reasonably-priced, so no war call that Yorkshiremen are famous for (“‘ow much?!”) and delicious.

6. Sa Coma, Mallorca.

Mallorca is one of the most visually stunning places I have ever had the pleasure to go and visit in my time, and Sa Coma, on the east side of the Island is no different. A superb coastline, spectacular hotels and some of the nicest food I have ever had. The language spoken there is Catalan, so for Spaniards and Englishmen, it’s definitely worth getting a phrasebook before you visit, but the food and drink there is beyond compare. Local Tapas is good enough to blow your tastebuds away, the sun is nearly always shining and very hot (highs of nearly forty degrees celsius), and when the sun isn’t shining, the thunderstorms are like nothing else on Earth. In the UK, you normally get a little light rain, locally called “spitting”, which serves as a warning to make sure you put an umbrella up, but there is no such warning here. Heavy rain starts from the rumble of thunder and EVERYTHING outside gets drenched.

Dear Europe

Dear Europe,

I’m a twentysomething man living in the UK. You know the UK, right? The country that used to be a part of you, often paying in more than you gave them back?

Well, here’s the thing: I miss you. I want the UK to still be a part of you. I miss the right to call myself a european, as I speak a couple of european languages, share in your culture and love visiting your countries. All 27 of them. I love the Italian’s music, the french’s food, the spanish manana, and love to be able to go and visit taking my passport without requiring a visa. I miss the fact that you provided a lot of funding for community and charity projects that our ruthless, miserly government wouldn’t put in. I miss the fact that you could hold our tyrannical government to account when they fucked up and discriminated against the very poorest of our society.

I miss the fact that we could take part in the biggest peacekeeping operation in human history apart from the UN. We could vote and have our say on anything that happened within the EU. I miss you a lot, and I’m sorry for the short-sighted, dickish actions of my country.

I’m so so sorry

Davey x

This man calls for a General Election

So, with politics big on the topical menu that is the news, and the fiasco of an EU referendum that has ended one certain animal-shagger’s political career, we now look at a leadership contest within the Conservative Party to decide our next Prime Minister. There are some rather pressing problems with this democratically, and I’ll get to that, but let’s look first at the precendents for this (whether this has happened before) and the potential candidates.

So, yes, this  has happened before. Tony Blair stepped down following the Iraq War (see my last entry regarding the Chilcott Inquiry(see my last entry regarding the Chilcott Inquiry), and was replaced by Gordon Brown, who was crucified by our national media because, and this is only my suspicion, Rupert Murdoch and Brown are well known for loathing each other. The Parliamentary Labour Party passed a vote of no confidence in Tony Blair, proving that something finally would stick to him, and although Brown was ideologically speaking, the best choice, he proved after two years that he couldn’t handle the pressure of being the main tenant of 10 Downing Street. Brown stepped down after losing a general election which saw the first hung parliament (no majority party in the House of Commons) in 37 yearsthe first hung parliament (no majority party in the House of Commons) in 37 years. He was replaced by a coalition government between the Conservative Party and the Liberal Democrats, proving that his and Blair’s New Labour experiment had well and truly failed.

Let’s look at the Conservative party candidates for the leadership contest, bearing in mind that the new party leader will be our new prime minister:

  • Firstly, Andrea Leadsom, MP for South Northamptonshire. She’s been picking up an awful lot of press coverage, and in the interest of keeping this as fair as possible, I’ve been using http://www.theyworkforyou.com which is a helpful tool to look at the lady’s political record. To truly value a MP in terms of who they are and what they stand for, you have to look at their voting record and what they say in the House of Commons. She’s voted for removing hereditary peers (members of the House of Lords who got there through birthright), which is strangely progressive for a Tory MP, as the majority of MPs in her party voted against such a measure. She abstained from voting in the Marriage Equality Act of 2012, but again, that’s nothing to be ashamed of. Most of her party’s progressive members abstained, and it was a very close vote. She has consistently voted for the smoking bans, and regardless of your views on this issue: it’s saving the UK a fortune in terms of how much the NHS is costing this country. She’s voted against Assisted Suicide laws though, which I am in full favour of, as long as the death is voluntary.
  • Theresa May, Home Secretary and MP for Maidenhead. Ms May is one of the most homophobic MPs in parliament, consistently voting against LGBT rights acts in this country, including the notorius “section 28” which was put in place to stop the “promotion” of homosexuality by Margaret Thatcher. She did however, vote for a motion to ban abusers from the homes of those who have suffered domestic violence, which is a good thing and should have been in place for decades. She implemented gigantic cuts in spending on the police force, though, which has had a widespread impact on both my ancestral area (Northern Yorkshire) and my hometown of Morecambe (Northen Lancashire) with crime rates rocketing as a result. In relation to this, she has prevented the right-wing bigots who call themselves the English Defence League from demonstrating on numerous occasions, but handled the student riots of 2010 extremely poorly, and as such, several students have won lawsuits for Police Brutality in relation to this matter.

So, why have I only discussed two of the candidates? Because with Michael Gove and Stephen Crabb pulling out of the leadership race, these two look to be the two candidates that will qualify to stand. But there is one huge elephant in the room that I must address: the fairness and democracy of the whole debacle.

As a British subject and citizen, I pride myself on living in a country that has at least a shadow of true democracy, but this leadership race is anything but. When the Prime Minister steps down, it is my belief that the government under such politician has failed, and such, we the people should be voting in a general election to decide our new Prime Minister. Dodgy Dave has now quit and stepped down as Prime Minister, and a true democracy would then hold a general election. So this is my view, demanding one. I know it won’t be read by MPs, but I’m only the author of a pokey little blog.

Yours,

Davey John Seamus Ryuzaki

The Chilcott Inquiry

When I explain my upbringing, two things come into my vocabulary- I grew up in the backdrop of Tony Blair and the Second Gulf War (more commonly known as the war in Iraq).

This “war” was an illegal one, which cost the lives of nearly 200 British Soldiers, but many thousands more Iraqis in a successful bid to oust Saddam Hussein from power. A coalition of nearly 50 countries, headed up by the UK and the USA, invaded Iraq (for the second time in 30 years) in 2003. Now, to put things into perspective for you, last time around (1991-1995), around 200,000 people incuding military personnel were killed. By the time of the invasion, Iraq was a much weaker country, as economic sanctions had been placed by the United Nations.

Iraq wasn’t even much of a threat. The war was based on a pack of lies, and even the head of the Central Intelligence Agency at the time admitted as much: “My judgement would be that the probability of Saddam Hussein initiating an attack in the foreseeable future would be low.” US President George W “dubya” Bush’s security adviser, appeaser and puppet Condoleezza Rice, said in 2000, “If Iraq does acquire weapons of mass destruction they will be unusable because any attempt to use them will bring national obliteration.”

One of the reasons why Iraq was invaded was oil. Now common sense dictates that much to anyone, except for when it comes to the internet, where this is generally considered to be a conspiracy, very much like the 9/11 truthers. However whoever has dominion over oil supplies wields great power economically over the countries that do not. With the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia as neighbours, it’s not a great stretch of imagination to realise that Iraq was and still is an oil-rich country in an oil-rich region of the world. The chairman of Conoco-Philips (one of the gigantic US oil corporations) is quoted as saying this: “We know where the best oil reserves are in Iraq and we covet the opportunity to get them.” I’ve already mentioned that the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia has massive oil reserves. In truth, it has one of, if not the, biggest oil reserves in the world. The USA, for all their goodness normally, had a “murica” moment and has been known to bully and bribe other countries to get them to play ball.

Speaking of which, let’s have a look at the countries involved in the invasion. There’s the UK, the USA, and Australia. They’re not surprising. But there are a lot of weaker countries involved too: Romania, Latvia, Estonia, The Ukraine, Hungary, Lithuania, El Salvador and Georgia. One has to ask, considering the last 60 years, whether this wasn’t so much of a “coalition of the willing” as Dubya put it, but a coalition of the bribed or bullied. Most of the weaker countries in the “coalition” had a debt to one of the bigger countries involved, so is it really possible that they joined voluntarily? Somehow, I don’t think so.

The really ironic thing is that this was supposed to end the supposed “war on terror” that George W Bush declared in the aftermath of 9/11. The thing is, the Second Gulf War didn’t end terrorism. It made more war and terror, frankly, with the rise of Al-Qaeda, Daesh and Boko Haram, who have committed a lot of atrocities in the name of Islam since 2003. Madrid, Paris, London, Turkey and Nigeria have come under attack from islamic extremism since 2003, and it’s not very difficult to realise that by invading Iraq, the “Coalition of the willing” lit the fuse to a powder keg in the middle east.

As for whether the war had anything to do with 9/11, there’s very little evidence, if any at all, to prove that the hijackers had anything to do with Saddam Hussein. For a start, the hijackers were from a different branch of Islam to Saddam Hussein. Every attempt by the Bush administration to connect the two has been discredited. Bob Baer (If you can read this, Bob, and I’ve not spelled your name correctly, I’m sorry), a former CIA agent who specialised in Islamic fundamentalism and extremism in the middle east, came out to the media saying that he was “unaware of any direct evidence of Saddam Hussein pursuing terrorism against the USA”.

It wasn’t even about removing bloodthirsty tyrants from power. We’d supported Saddam Hussein’s regime during the First Gulf War, arming his armies and supplying them with weapons and military goods. In fact, the USA gives millions away in military aid and full diplomatic support to Uzbekistan, which is only just across the Caspian Sea from Iraq. A UN agency did some serious investigating into this regime, and found it guilty of “systematic torture”. The UK’s ambassador at the time was quoted as saying that “ruthless and unscrupulous brutality is inherent in the government”. In that region of the world, we’d (by this I mean the UK) gone along with the USA, supporting the dictatorship in Saudia Arabia, where there is little to no democracy, where women aren’t even allowed to drive cars, and where beheading people is still a punishment from law.

The reason why I have written about this as my blog post for the last 4 days of the week is due to the news report yesterday that Sir John Chilcott’s inquiry into the occupation of iraq had finished, with just over eight million words written, and some pretty damning indictments of the actions of former British Prime Minister, “teflon” Tony Blair and former President of the United States of America, George W Bush. In the inital findings, Tony Blair was heavily criticised for running too close to the USA in terms of economic and political ties, relying too much on the “special relationship” our countries have openly fostered since the end of the second world war. He was also very heavily dependent on following the neo-conservative foreign policy of Bush’s administration, which has proved disastrous- terrorism has been on the up in an unprecedented rate.

So there we go people, a thousand words on the Iraq war. Hopefully, Bush and Blair will be brought to justice.

Seth Rolliins, Tyler Black and why the WWE need to up their game for the Brand Split

In a return to the sports posts, I have decided to discuss one of the WWE’s most controversial modern stars, Seth Rollins. Previously a Florida Championship Wrestling (one of WWE’s developmental divisions) star, he was promoted to NXt where he found great success before rising to the main roster as part of one of the most popular stables in wreslting history: The Shield.

The Shield were kayfabe (only real for the sake of storylines) enforcers for the kayfabe corporation running Monday Night Raw. They consisted of three wrestlers: Roman Reigns, the powerhouse of the group, Dean Ambrose, the slightly insane one who happened to be unpredictable, and the athletic and brainy one; Seth Rollins.

Rollins’ background is fascinating, having been one of the most popular independent wrestlers in modern times. His popularity started with an appearance in Total Nonstop Action: Impact Zone, from which he was headhunted into Pro Wrestling Guerilla (PWG) where he won a Tag Team Championship before heading to Liverpool, UK to win a Full Impact Pro (FIP) World Heavyweight Championship using his former billing name, Tyler Black).

In 2009, he started appearing in Ring Of Honour, one of the WWE’s rivals as Tyler Black, where he performed extremely well, beating big names such as Austin Aries, Chris Hero and Colt Cabana (I recommend the latter’s podcast: it’s excellent). He had and held the World Championship there for over a year before being signed to the developmental programmes of WWE, with a new monicker: Seth Rollins.

When Rollins appeared on the main roster of WWE, his character he had portrayed had completely changed. He had gone from being a devil-may-care, flamboyant, give-no-damns son-of-a-bitch to being the exact opposite. Out had gone his signature move (the Phoenix Splash, which is an amazing piece of acrobatics) and he had got a dangerous move called the kerbstomp until the end of Daniel Bryan’s career. Bryan’s career ended because of a concussion brought on by this move, and now Rollins uses a stock move, made iconic by the Undertaker and Triple H: The Pedigree.

Now that Roman Reigns has been suspended for the consumption of a banned substance in line with the WWE’s wellness policy, Vince McMahon and co. have been left with a problem: What do we do with Seth Rollins?

Here’s what I would do. I would get rid of the whiny bitch heel that Rollins has become and make him more like Tyler Black. Let him use his acrobatic style and brains to win matches. And this is how:

We’re coming up to Summerslam this year: At SS, Dean Ambrose loses his World Heavyweight Championship Title to Rollins. Rollins, on the following Monday Night Raw, does a Bret Hart and claims “he’s the best there is, the best there was, and the best there ever will be”. This causes Triple H (who’s currently the kayfabe manager of Raw) to make Rollins prove it. At Clash of Champions (where every belt is contested), Rollins has a triple threat match against Reigns and Ambrose. They’re doing this at Battleground, but it will be arse gravy of the worst kind.

Rollins retains, but barely. Due to a no-disqualification stipulation, Rollins knocks out Ambrose with chairs and pretty much anything he can get his hands on, before pinning Reigns to win. Nobody likes Reigns anyway, and this will get Rollins popular with the crowd.

Then at Hell in a Cell, Rollins is made to face the godfather of this match type: The Undertaker. The Undertaker beats Rollins in a near-perfect replication of the Taker’s match against Mick Foley, getting the title off Rollins. However, due to sustained damage from his 25-year career in WWE, Taker loses it to Ambrose the following night on Raw. Rollins is, understandably, furious. He demands a title shot from Triple H, but Triple H refuses, saying that as Survivor Series has the matches booked already, Seth is just going to have to wait until Tables, Ladders and Chairs in December. Seth begins to train hard, getting more of a bodybuilder’s physique that he had when he was Tyler Black.

At Survivor Series, a returning Kurt Angle breaks Ambrose’s ankle using his famous ankle-lock manouvre that made him famous. After being awarded the title, he turns to the cameras, and picking up a microphone, calls Rollins a coward and challenges him to a match at TLC.

TLC arrives and the two put on a solid performance. Twenty minutes of pure athleticism pass before Angle’s ego gets too big and pins Rollins after stealing Rollins’ finishing move: The Pedigree. This makes Kurt Angle a heel (villain) and solidifies Rollins both as a tough guy and a babyface (hero).

On the following Raw, Triple H teams up either the Big Show or Ryback with Rollins to help him win the Royal Rumble, but in Rollin’s refusal to be moddycoddled by the bigwigs, he eliminates his babysitter but is sadly himself eliminated by Finn Balor. If Finn isn’t part of the main roster by January 2017, expect a very long-winded rant from me.

After this, Triple H brutally attacks Rollins in his rage, and Rollins is “hospitalised”. In the real world, Rollins will be training again, making himself more resilient and stronger for the next bout. At the first Pay-Per-View after Royal Rumble, the big screen (TitanTron) is hijacked by hand-held camera footage (reminiscent of The Shield’s promos). Seth Rollins ambushes others and gets his revenge, making one final demand: a Wrestlemania match between himself and Triple H.

Wrestlemania arrives and the two men go the distnace: a full-on 30 minute match in which neither man leaves the ring. Solid, athletic wrestling takes place and it becomes a Dave Meltzer 5-star match. At the ending moments, Rollins gets his moment performing his finishing move from before WWE: The Phoenix Splash. The crowd go mental, and Rollins is now what he should be: WWE’s most iconic current babyface.

I have to give thanks to Adam Blampied and Whatculture for the idea and the loose plotlines behind this post, and also thanks to my many years of watching wrestling.

What’s wrong with my brain? About Cerebral Palsy, and how it affects me.

First things first, my experience of CP (Cerebral Palsy) is unique. Everybody’s is. This is because CP is caused by a myriad of things, from slow births to getting tangled by the umbilical cord. It can even be caused by strokes in certain cases.

So what is it? Well, due to the circumstances, the brain is starved of oxygen and blood for either a short or long amount of time. This causes parts of the brain to malfunction and in certain cases, stop working altogether. This is why some people with it (like myself) walk, and why some others need sticks, crutches (like Walt Jr in Breaking Bad) or wheelchairs. Myself, the part of my brain that has been affected is the part of my brain that controls my balance centres and gross motor skills. This is why, as a 20-something year old man, I still struggle to tie my shoelaces.

How does it affect me? I bounce off of walls a lot, due to my inability to balance myself properly. This has often led to Police Officers breathalysing me, under the suspicion that I might be intoxicated with alcohol (which to be fair, considering the fact that I am a recovering Alcoholic, they have plenty of reason to). My gross motor skills were that poor in childhood, that I had to learn to type instead of write, and this is the primary reason why my writing is identical to that of an 11 year old most of the time. I have however,  improved my hand-eye coordination skills through the use of keyboards, pianos, video games and other things that require focused hand-eye coordination skills. No thanks there go to my adoptive parents, for whom modern technology was seen as almost sinful.

My healing ability is greatly reduced as well, as bruises take nearly a month to heal properly, and I still suffer from bones broken a year ago. My immune system is incredibly good, fighting off most colds and viruses with ease, but anything else (from deep wounds to shaving cuts) can take significantly longer than most people can recover.

So, that’s a brief Precis of my CP and how it affects me, I’d like to dedicate this post to Collisa, Desmond and Lily, you know who you all are.